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Thursday, March 16, 2017

The Two Main Paths to Consanguinamory

There are two main paths to consanguinamory, or the objective reality that at least two closely biologically related people have sex, and perhaps an ongoing romance or marriage-style relationship. While the prejudiced may dismiss all consanguinamory as the same (in their small minds) inexcusable behavior, the differences in these paths do have an impact on the participants and those around them. This is why people who are on one path may not understand those on the other, or want to be associated with them.

One main path to consanguinamory is Genetic Sexual Attraction (GSA). GSA is a term that has been used to describe an extremely intense attraction that may occur when close biological relatives get into each other's life any time after puberty either for the very first time, or the first time since the youngest went through puberty. These situations are likely to increase due to increased human mobility and the high rates of co-parents who do not stay together. Whether a marriage that involved at least one child ends in divorce, or a one night stand results in pregnancy, or anything between, a man and woman who have a child together may go their separate ways, often going on to have more children with others. The situations are are also likely to increase due to increase in the use of donated eggs, sperm, and embryos to have a child. In addition to the various forms of adoptions, some governments, such as some states in the US, allow someone to bring a newborn to a hospital, police station, fire station, etc, and surrender custody of the child with no penalty.

As you can see, there are many situations in which close relatives, such as full or half siblings, or a parent and child, can be reunited post-puberty.



Only some reunification/first contact involves a person experiencing GSA, but some estimates are as high as 50%. Even if there is mutual attraction (both or all, if more than two experiencing GSA), it doesn't always lead to sex. However, GSA is so strong that if it is mutual, it often does lead to sex sooner or later. The sex may not last for any number of reasons. In addition to all of the other reasons people may stop having sex with each other, there are external pressures on such relationships (like criminal law and social disapproval) or a conflicted conscience on the part of one or all involved due to years of sex-police thinking being drilled into their heads.

GSA is almost always a painful path for one reason or another.

Sometimes GSA leads to lasting, happy consanguinamory, but even if any internal pain is a thing of the past, there might be pain from outside interference. That's something we are trying to help change.

With the reunion GSA path, the people usually have established identities and lives in which they are not known as related. For example, half siblings find out about each other in their twenties; the friends and coworkers of one, or both, don't know they are related if they haven't told them. Also, they usually don't have that history of the social connection to their biological roles. They haven't been functioning as brother and sister. A son given up for adoption at birth meets his birth mother twenty years later. He has a mother: the woman who raised him, if she is still alive. Still, someone experiencing GSA may seek to have that familial relationship that would have been expected should there have never been a separation. This is not always possible; it can be very difficult. The history is not there, and nobody can go back to being nine years old; nobody can reverse time.

In reunion GSA relationships, as with any other relationship, it usually takes time for the people get to know each other. Almost always, they find remarkable commonalities.

Those who know of their biological relation may try to break them up or separate them, sometimes by force of law. This can be especially insulting if the person or people trying to douse their love was somewhat responsible for the original situation in the first place. Their actions denied these GSA-experiencers all of the typical parent-child or sibling relationship experiences; after those experiencing GSA have reunited (or met for the first time) and found happiness with each other, this happiness is threatened or taken away.

If the lovers don't want someone else knowing that they are, in fact, lovers, they may be able to use the cover story of making up for lost time with a long-lost relative. (In actuality, an enjoyable consanguinamorous relationship is, in their case, the compensation for that lost time.)

If the sexual aspect of the relationship ends, and does so acrimoniously, the risk includes again losing a long-lost relative. However, if the relationship lasts, it can be a very exciting and fulfilling one.


The other main path to consanguinamory involves close relatives who didn't grow under the separation conditions involved in reunion GSA. This includes cousins (who can legally marry in some places), but it also includes...
-full or half siblings, either raised in the same home or interacting throughout childhood
-parents and their adult children, either with the child raised in the parent's home or with that parent throughout childhood through shared custody or visitation
-aunts/uncles with their nieces/nephews (close in age, or after all are adults)
-grandparents and adult grandchildren.

Cousins and siblings are probably the most common examples of consanguinamory.

On this path, consanguineous sex may begin (and sometimes end) as youthful experimentation between minors who are siblings, cousins, or aunts/uncles with nieces/nephews who are close in age. Sometimes it is more than experimentation, and a full-fledged love affair develops, and may continue into a marriage in everything but (usually) law. Or, it may begin later, at any in their adult life, as young singles or after a divorce or breakup or as seniors.

The consanguinamorous dimension of a relationship, when one person is significantly older than another, such as parent-adult child, may be added at any time after the youngest person reaches the age of majority. This can and does happen without any "grooming." (Grooming and abuse cases are another matter that I'm not addressing here, as I am writing about consensual, loving, healthy relationships.)


Differences from the reunion GSA path include that the lovers have that existing social relationship with the familial context. Consanguinamory on this path builds on that, adding another dimension. Who is more loving, caring, or trustworthy? They already know each other extremely well. Still, there is even greater potential for inner conflict than there is with reunion GSA as one or all of the lovers deals with the notion of "this is wrong," due to years of sex-police thinking being drilled into their heads for no good reason.

Lovers on this path may have had more opportunity to share physical intimacy, but a more difficult time hiding the true reason their demeanor lights up when their (secret) lover walks into the room. However, there is a long tradition of adult siblings or parents and their adult children sharing residence, so if they develop a spousal-type relationship, it can easily be concealed from the finger-waggers with that cover.

If the sexual aspect of the relationship ends, and does so acrimoniously, the risk includes general family disruption. However, if the relationship lasts, it can be extremely intense in a positive way, full of a layered and passionate love.

As I have already said recently, most romantic or sexual relationships don't last; if they did, most of us would still be in our first ones. But they should be allowed to develop and continue, or end, on their own merits, without interference from overbearing law enforcement, bullies, or self-appointed sex police. There are happy, health, lasting consanguinamorous relationships, and I say good for everyone in them. May they continue to share their fun, joy, and love.
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31 comments:

  1. My parents were never married because they are cousins and my family was for the most part against them getting married. They split up after having my brother and I when i was two or three and i hadn't seen or spoken to my father since then. I'm eighteen and recently found him online and we have been talking quite a bit and i felt very attracted to him. I told him about it i explained how i felt and that i was sorry and that i would understand if he didn't want me to talk to him again. I was hoping he would be disgusted and tell me it wasn't right to think of him the way i do, i was also hoping he would be okay with it. Turned out he was okay with it and he's attracted to me as well, we are very open with each other and plan on meeting soon. We decided if we feel the same way and things happen thats great but if either of our feelings change thats okay too. We care about each other a lot and are open to having a relationship even though no one in our family would understand.

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    1. Aliex, thanks for reading and thanks for your comment. Sounds like you are keeping things open. Please feel free to contact me at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com to talk more.

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    2. HI everyone I met this young lady at 13 and felled in love with her instantly. I later found out she was my dads daughter we have fought this for years were both 48 now and is still in love with each other. We both have never felt so happy with anyone one else. It is not the physical part of our relationship that makes us so happy it's like our soul is one and can't function without the other. Please help us we are good Christian people we just happened to fall in love without knowing who we were to one another.

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    3. Anonymous, congrats on your love. You can write me email at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com to discuss this more.

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  2. I was so relieved that our parents did not try to force my brother and I apart when they learned we were together. He and I have always been close, and after we became intimate I realized that I could not imagine life without him by my side. I cannot imagine what it must be like for those people who want to be in a relationship with a family member but are unable to do so for one reason or another. I strongly agree with what you have said, especially the last paragraph. My wish would be for everyone to be with the one they love, whomever it may be, so they can all have happy lives together.

    -Liz

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    1. Always great to hear from you, Liz!

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    2. I cannot imagine what it must be like for those people who want to be in a relationship with a family member but are unable to do so for one reason or another.

      i am in the same state of mind.

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  3. I am from India where culture, tradition and family sensitivity is of prime importance. By the knowledge that I have got from here, I believe I am attracted to my cousin sister through GSA. She is the daughter of my mother's sister. Biologically we look pretty much similar. These are the things that happened to me. After a long gap, when i met her during vacation, I simply got attracted to her. In fact, I started loving her. Started praising her eyes, lips, face, beauty and looks. We also talked too much. Days by, she also got attracted to me as I would confirm it by she always come and sat beside me. I thought it is the time to move on, One day she was sleeping in her bedroom in the afternoon and I touched her and got some excitement to which she didnt say anything. But one day she asked me, "these days you r physically attracted to me, that cant happen. i am Ur sister"(even though she was attracted towards me, she hesitated to continue due to social norms. She knew I was taking her advantage and got some joy(didn't she get the joy, if not why was she silent when I was touching her). But I couldn't have sex with her. She was temporarily attracted to me(i guess) because she has a boy friend who has promised to marry her but is not in contact with her for a while. Now I feeling I should not leave her. I actually have started loving her. Also I want to have consensual sex. But what to do. Her boy friend is my problem.... Some suggestions are needed.
    Thanks

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    1. It is up to her what kind of a relationship she'll continue to have (if any) with her boyfriend. I do not recommend cheating.

      I vehemently condemn doing anything to people without their consent, too.

      Having a consensual relationship with what we call a "first cousin" is legal and common in many places, and I believe it is legal in India.

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  4. I believe that if homosexuality is legal, then incest should be made legal...

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  5. How do you tell which one you really fall into? I'm the same guy that was separated twice during his childhood from his little half-sister.

    I was around seven when I moved away to live with a relative, and until that point, I had spent around 3 years with my little sister. I later moved back at the end of fourth grade and spent two years with her then. That's when we became so close. I had started to notice my feelings though a few months after our parents had split (she went with her father, while I and our older half-sister went with our mother. We saw each other around once a month, but many times her father wouldn't keep his custody promises and it could be several months. I remember that we always felt so powerless to help her because her dad was a police officer, and no matter what he did, he'd just resign and migrate to a new town before crap hit the fan. He also moved farther and farther away each time. I truly despised that man, I felt he was too far gone at times even though normally I greatly desire to give people multiple chances and the benefit of the doubt. Besides all of the verbal and emotional abuse I faced as a child because of him, besides all the verbal and emotional, abuse my mother had to face, the moment I gave up on him was when we were driving my little sister home, and she broke down. When she moved in with him after the split, she was the only person he had never abused, he treated her like a princess, this was why my mother didn't fight him for custody over her, and she had no problem in and of itself at first. But after we were gone, we began noticing that without us there, he had begun taking everything out on her. We knew right away when she broke down that he had been emotionally abusing her. Unfortunately he had too many connections to the police and every lawyer we talked to and dhs said that verbal and emotional abuse wasn't enough to gain custody. Looking back now I wished I could have done more, I felt so indebted to her. Conditions weren't always the best on our end either, but I would take that over what my little sister had at her father's. Now not everything went bad, her father remarried, and her step-mother and step-siblings were able to be there when I was not. I'm happy they became close, as it was probably the only thing keeping her from breaking down again.

    Along with feelings of love I did become sexually attracted to her as well. Every time I saw her, it seemed like she got more beautiful. She still does seemingly all the time even though I rarely get to see her much due to distance and busy circumstance. When I do it seems like time flies by. My heart races, and I never seem to be able to spend much time with her when she is over. Now she's an adult and imo she is absolutely gorgeous. I'm very proud of her too, since she graduated recently, and did well in school. And she has a beautiful singing voice. And I'd be too embarrassed to tell her, but on many occasions she has turned bad days into great days.

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    1. It might not matter which it is. What matters most is how you feel and how she feels.mwe don't know how she feels, but there are ways to test the water that are "safer" than others. Please contact me privately.

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  6. Keith, have you ever asked some psychologist/psychiatrist about what he thought about consensual incest?

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    1. I have not sought out the opinions of individuals with those credentials, but I think I have read something from them here and there. I recall that when it comes to minors close in age, as long as there is no coercion, the general consensus is that it is not abuse but mutual experimentation. As far as consenting adults win each other, I don't know of a consensus. Maybe I can look it up.

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    2. I've been wondering about studies on consensual adult consanguinamory. I bet it's not researched much.

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    3. I would like to say that not all consanguineous loves between people where one person is older than the other are grooming or abusive , love does not look at a persons age before it looks at their heart or soul. Not everyone older is a groomer and not everyone younger is sexually attracted too someone of the same age , I know I was'nt.
      I could list the reasons why I love the person I do and none are dependent on his age or mine . Love is love and when its true age and every other issue dont matter .

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  7. It might interest you to know that in many countries (including my country, Australia) that Marriage between Uncle/Niece and Aunt/Nephew is legal.

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    1. That's the case in Hungary too. And there's also some countries where sexual act between consensual siblings is not prohibited - like in France, Belgium or the Neherlands -, though marriage is usually never allowed.

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  8. In the second non-GSA category, when the case has a significant age difference (as with a parent and child) there is always going to be heightened societal scrutiny. Every decent human being opposes sexual abuse. And society certainly has a big interest in protecting children from abuse (which is far too common). But how do we separate the genuine consensual cases from the abusive ones? It is not always easy. I imagine there are a lot of cases like Mackenzie Phillips where it is a very difficult whether there was actual consent or not. Was a specific action "grooming" or was it normal parent-child activity at the time? This is probably even more problematic when the younger person reaches the age of consent but the older person is still their legal guardian. The result is that there is always going to be a lot of scrutiny. When society weighs the need to protect children from abuse versus the possible infringement on someone's relationship, society is always going to err on the side of protecting children.

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    1. I can see how people would be concerned. Grooming is abuse, and abuse should be stopped. But parents exert influence over their children in many ways, grooming in them in many other areas. People who question if an adult son really did consent to sex with his mother and want their sex criminalized (even though it is entirely legal for him to consent to sex with a boarder who lived in his house for his entire childhood), don't want law enforcement intervening if a son chooses to enlist in certain branch of the the military just like his father did, or go to the same university as his father and pledge the same fraternity, or is confirmed in the same religion as his father, or work in the same line of work or for the same company as his father or even in the family business, or live with his parents... But watch out, if he finds the same woman attractive that his father did, there must be something amiss.

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    2. But enlisting in the Air Force, or enrolling at Stanford, or getting baptized are not ever considered abuse by any rational or objective measure. Sexual acts sometimes are abusive. And because sexual abuse does happen (and sadly studies show it is more common to come from family members rather than strangers) such relationships will always invite scrutiny. Furthermore, sexual acts are inherently private thus there is no recruitment officer or admissions counselor who would be meeting with the younger person in private to gauge. Of course, the older the younger adult the less scrutiny it invites (certainly a person who just turned 18 is more at risk than someone who is 30). I don't believe it is necessary to criminalize sex between consenting adults by any means...but it is far preferable as a society for some consenting relationships to suffer the indignity of being scrutinized than to allow an abusive one to continue unabated.

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    3. Actually I kind of agree with you. It's just the general stance that since some types of relationships are more likely to be problematic, you withhold your full approval of individual relationships until you know the people and circumstances better.

      That said, I think you're underestimating people's ability to discern these things. And the fact is, if it had just been her drug dealer, and not her father, most things about MacKenzie Phillip's story would be the same, except for the media attention. Abuse and manipulation are abuse and manipulation, though they can sometimes pretend to be something else in the public eye. This will always be true of all relationships. How do you know your friend's husband isn't beating her behind closed doors? How do you know that your sister isn't emotionally abusing her child?

      The real question is, are we really willing to crush healthy relationships just to continue to ineffectually police unhealthy ones? We are after all just talking about adult relationships here. I agree with your general sentiment about the usefulness of scrutiny, but I think you're being far too pessimistic about consanguinamory in particular.

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  9. Keith I really appreciate what you are doing. I wish there were more open minded people like you in the world. Here I just want to share my story. I am from India and I am in relationship with my sister. I am 29 and she is 27. We grew up together. We developed the attraction in last few years and started experimenting. This resulted in a full fledged romantic relationship. I never felt so close to my sister as I feel now now. Sex surely adds new dimension to the relation. Our relationship is a secret and is going to remain so forever. We can't share it with any one else. Here in India we don't have any laws against incest but the society does not accept such relationships. We haven't yet thought of our future but clearly marrying with each other is not the possibility. I wonder if it would be ethical to continue our (sexual) relationship after we both get married (to different people, of course).

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    1. Anonymous, congratulations on your love and thanks for sharing that with us. Please write me privately at fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com.

      I generally don't think it is ethical to mislead someone into believing you are sexually monogamous with them when you are not. Someone might want to make the case that if someone falls in love with you and is satisfied with you in every way while you are secretly having sex with your sister all along, there is no need for them to know. But I don't think that is ideal.

      There are a few ethical ways I can think to handle is situation off the top of my head; I will probably elaborate later:

      1) Don't marry or otherwise get into a relationship in which the other person expects monogamy.
      2) Marry someone who is supportive of polyamory and your relationship with your sister. This is not so easy to find.
      3) I'm nit aware if marriages between in-laws are allowed where you live, but if you could find another brother-sister couple, you could marry the sister and your sister could marry the brother, if allowed.
      4) Marry an understanding lesbian who wants to stay closeted while your sister marries an understanding gay man who wants to stay closeted.

      It's ridiculous that consenting adults should feel it necessary to hide, but that's still the case, unfortunately.

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    2. I had sex with my mom and my sister and it was awesome

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    3. Anonymous, that's fascinating. Feel free to write me privately at Fullmarriageequality at yahoo dot com

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  10. I fell in love with my firsr cousin. I was taken away from the my fathers side of the family cause i was abused by my grandfather. I meet him 30 years later and all we did talk and exchange advice. We decided before things ever got sexual to be best friends. My kids father died a couple of months before and he has been the best father figure to my kids. After a couple of months we got sexual and from there on we havent stopped its been 9 months and im totally in love with him. I feel complete evem with some struggles we have both workeed through so much. His mother and his sister are totally cool with it, but my mom doesnt know and i dont know how to tell her. We want to be open and we want have children of we even can. He wants my moms blessings. I dont know if i could ever live with disappointing my mom she means the world to me and i dont know how to explain it. But hope many times in this life do u meet the perfect person that you have the most connection with. Do you run or fight for it?

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    1. Congrats on your love! You can't let your mother or anyone else determine who you love and how. If you are in the US, about half of the states will legally marry first cousins. A handful criminalize sex between the first cousins. The remainder of states won't marry you, but do not criminalize your love. Many countries allow first cousins to marry.

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  11. It's amazing reading all of these stories on here. I've been with my father for 7 years. Our situation wasn't GSA because my father raised me. I was already an adult when I became sexually involved with my father. If any one would like to learn more about consensual incest with an open mind then you are more than welcome to contact me at littlenicole3000@gmail.com

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  12. My brother and I have been together for 7 years. we love each other very much and we take very good care of our children. my oldest boys dad abandon us when he was small and my brother took over as his father figure. he is a wonderful guy and I can't imagine being with anyone else our family was not supportive at first however they have come around we have a few friends that know, but for the most part, we just keep it to ourselves and everyone thinks that were married because we have the same last name.

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    1. Congrats on your love! If you haven't dome so already, please contact me privately at fullmarriageequality at Protonmail dot com.

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